Beauty Regime

Ever seen something that’s made you stop and think about just how ordinary your perception of the world really is. Well, here’s how it happened to me…

In the tradition of my workaholic family, I was on my way to the office on Sunday. I had already anticipated the Sunday driver traffic with its driving gloves, car loads of kids and mid-life crises vessels and had prepared myself for the frustration when I encountered something not entirely expected. I pulled up behind a car at lights; it was a small Holden Nova hatch circa better times. Squinting into the light, I noticed with a chuckle that the driver was sporting what appeared to be a really tragic perm and her silhouette seemed to be spending a lot of time hunched over the passenger’s side fiddling around in her handbag. This, of course, led to the inevitable total disregarding of the light change and the absurd take off which rather than achieving speed really only makes you look like a slightly more incompetent driver. I settled back and exchanged glances with the driver in the other lane who appeared to sympathise or at the very least had pulled off a really convincing accidental eye contact cover up. Now, here’s where the truly terrible driving set in. As soon as she had recovered from the shock the light chance she starts weaving all over the road, and if that’s not enough she’s gradually slowing down and occasionally jerking on the brake like something is actually in front of her, presumably the sun. Now, ordinarily I would tailgate her and pull faces or at the very least over take her and “accidentally” wash her windscreen with my wiper fluid…but today I was feeling kind. I slide over into the other lane and started to overtake her. As I was drawing closer I noticed she was fiddling about with her rear vision mirror. Ah. One of those… I will never understand why women insist on putting their make-up on in the car. There’s nothing like a beauty regime that has an opportunity to take a life.

Having already judged her a complete and utter flake and a danger to humanity, I proceeded with caution. Now here’s where my world gave me a small kick to the head… As I got a little closer I noticed her tragic perm was fairy floss pink. Ok I thought, cool, makes sense that someone who takes the time to maintain pink hair would also be energetic about make-up. We pulled up at lights and I was desperately resisting the urge to give her the evil eye. Then I cracked and looked across. White foundation, bright red lips, rosy cheeks…I was staring eye to eye with… A Clown.

You can come to your own conclusion about how disturbing it is that all that make up was done in transit.

I finally have a home for all the random stories I email people!

(Also I'm too lazy to write a fresh post for the inauguration of my blog lifestyle)

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The Drive to Work takes 40 Minutes – The Scars Stay for Life

Now I’m an animal lover. That’s not to say, however, that animals feel the same way about me. An extensive lineage of family pets has clearly indicated that members of the animal kingdom would rather perish than be subjugated to me. But being an animal lover does give me license to go ‘Awww’ at cute puppies and be affronted by people who tie dogs outside shopping centres and be …ah… perplexed by the odd happenings in the nearby dog park. This morning as I drove past I saw a sweet little old lady walking through the park with her two enormous cattle dogs (obviously she lives in the pastoral side of our sweet suburban neighbourhood). She was carrying one of those ball throwing devices designed to keep you an arms length away from slobber, one wonders why the designers haven’t extended this concept to the pooper-scooper because that is infinitely more disgusting than saliva, but hey… As I drove past I could see her throwing tennis balls to the two dogs. One of them was pelting across the field, jumping, catching…generally making the scene look like something out an osteoporosis supplement ad starring Sigrid Thornton. But wait? Where is the other dog?!? I could see the old lady throwing tennis balls towards a tree… as I drove past there is the dog. Hunched over, licking its bits and being bombarded with tennis balls to the spine. I wonder whether she was seriously trying to get the dog to play with her or if she was just trying to curb its public displays of deviant behaviour.

Now this needs no explanation of why this was -

a) bizarre

b) stupid

c) offensive

I’ll set the scene – Long line of cars waiting to turn at a red arrow, hot day, cranky people late for work. In front of me is a small, girly hatchback covered in stickers that gives the impression that the owner is a very, very bad girl who likes Frangipanis and Tinkerbell…ooh beware! The door opens, a little blonde head pops out and proceeds to file an offending nail on the curb. Oh. My. God. I don’t think I need to say anything else.